I Am a Grammarian, and Yes, I Judge You When You Use Improper Grammar

    As annoying as nails on a chalkboard or a crying baby are, nothing makes me more irate than people who use improper grammar. Anyone can learn proper grammar if they try, so even if a person is extremely unintelligent, they can at least sound somewhat intelligent and civilized.

   I understand that not everyone is as gifted in language as I am, nor do people necessarily have the time or money to achieve a degree in English. But seriously, it should be a requirement in high school that all students must take an English grammar class. They could call it something snappy that grabs the students' attention like "Learn Proper Grammar Or You Will Die Jobless Under a Box In an Alley", or maybe "Proper Grammar: All of the Cool Kids Are Doing It". Anything to teach America's youth to sound like anything but cheap, uneducated ruffians.

   I myself am taking a part in the rehabilitation of America's grammatically challenged population. I was bored one night browsing Craigslist for platonic friends, though it seems America needs to amp their vocabulary and learn what it means to be platonic, and I what I saw broke my slightly black heart. There were numerous postings with students begging for someone to help them with their English classes. Feeling compassion that I admittedly feel on a rare occasion, I replied to one of them. The poor fellow indeed needed my assistance. His spelling was actually pretty good, but his grammar was terrible. There were so many split infinitives that I thought I would trip and be impaled on one!

   I just find it so sad that students are unable to find grammatical help when they need it, that a student has to go begging on Craigslist for help that should be easily obtained from his professor. Maybe if more people cared about grammar, there would be more people capable of helping the grammatically-impaired citizens in our country. Maybe I should help fund and produce a commercial on television to raise awareness of my cause. It could be like the commercials about starving African children or abused animals with sad music in the background. Instead of abused animals, my commercial could feature abused verbs and adjectives, and papers covered in red proofreading marks. Oh my gawd! That is sooooooo sad!

   All I know is that I am tired of witnessing such atrocities and abuses toward the English language! I swear it shall be fixed, even if I have to fix it one student at a time.