On September 15th, I was married. It was the beautiful day every wedding should be. There were flowers, and candles and even string quartet. But even with the jitters and stress of a wedding, I couldn't help but feel like I was actually saying goodbye to a part of myself. The part of me that swore I would not be ordinary, the part that screamed I was meant for more. Here I was promising myself and my life to another person. Now, I love my husband more than anything, but it is hard to stamp out 25 years of romantic notions. I felt a little like a Victorian bride who has just realized that she has given up her little amount of freedom for baby-making and housekeeping.
It is not like I mind the housekeeping and baby-making, I knew that would happen eventually. However, I never thought I would feel so defeated and so utterly ordinary so young. I never thought about how I was throwing away some chances at greatness when I threw the bouquet. What would have happened in history if Joan of Arc or Queen Elizabeth I married? Joan would have been too busy running after the children to help the French achieve so many victories in the Hundred Years' War, and Elizabeth would be speaking Spanish while she cooked the evening meal.
Maybe some people just are not destined for greatness. If every person lead a great and exotic life, the world would surely be a chaotic, unstable place. I long for greatness, but also long for a normal life with my husband. Is it enough to WANT to be great, or am I slowly tearing off little pieces of me?
The answers to these questions do not exist for me right now. What I do know is that I love my husband, I love my friends and family, and I love my city.
